Thinking about the subtle ways and not so subtle ways we use escape strategies to get away from discomfort in life, and finding the satisfaction of choosing to be real.
Escape Strategies?
Living as a 21st-century human being in western civilization a baseline of discontent and depressive thinking is considered a normal part of life. As a matter of fact, these emotional states are the drivers of large parts of our economy. If you are a regular consumer of alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, sugar, movies, novels, new outfits, gourmet food (or junk food), and get-away vacations, if you feel uneasy sitting still without your personal device, you are using one or more of the myriad strategies to escape from your everyday reality. Don’t worry, you are in good company. This is indeed normal. All of the above come into play when otherwise you would be present, and still enough to hear your own thinking. Which, in these moments, would be negative.
I have lived this life. Indeed, I still do – at times. Something inside me at some point took notice. The escape strategies stopped working. Feeling discontent is no longer ok, and escaping isn’t either. I became a seeker.
Practices of presence
The world mind creates is infinite – infinite are the options and lures to changing, creating a whole other economic path. On this path, I found two methods that resonated and continue to turn my reality inside out. Eckhart Tolle teaches to become present with the discontent. Don’t try and change it – just watch, accept it as it is, this feeling is the present moment as it is. This is a powerful teaching, and sometimes I can do it – and often I try presence in order to change the experience – and so it doesn’t work.
We are conditioned to DOING. I need to change my world is an active impulse. Sit still and feel the pain – does work, it does! and it’s often difficult.
Suffering is a result of believing a stressful thought.
Byron Katie teaches that all suffering is created by believing a stressful thought. Her method is called The Work, and it is a process to identify and question these thoughts.
The Work is a simple process. All one needs to do is answer 4 questions and allow the answers to arise, and then find turnarounds and examples to the originally believed thought. The Work is a key to reality. All you need is a commitment to finding your own truth, and the courage to dive into your darkness. Alternatively, as Eckhart Tolle puts it, you just wait until the pain becomes unbearable. Or, of course, escape.
Inquiry – The Work of Byron Katie
The 4 questions of The Work are
Q1: Is it true?
Q2: Can I absolutely know that this is true?
The answers to Q1+2 would be yes or no, only.
Q3: How do I react, what happens, when I believe this thought?
Explore how you live your life when believing this thought.
Q4: Who, or what, would I be without this thought?
Turnarounds of your thought are to the opposite, the self, and the other.
The situation – I have been discontent and restless, unhappy with myself and my achievements. It is impossible to relax, sit still, start or finish anything. Nothing works, nothing clicks. I spy the bottle of wine my in-law left behind. Just a little wine? With dinner? And a movie? Desire rises to escape from this reality.
Pause and reflect
I get still, listening to the inner turmoil.
What am I escaping from? Why can’t I be present, happy?
I fill out a JudgeYourNeighbor- Worksheet
(Instructions and free download: http://thework.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/jyn_en_mod_6feb2019_r4_form1.pdf)
I’m anguished because my life is too hard for me.
I want my life to make me happy.
Life shouldn’t be so challenging. Life should be light and free.
I need my life to fulfill me. I need my life to be different.
My life is hard work, disappointing, saddening, depressing, terrible.
I never want to feel powerless or disappointed in my life ever again.
… and the process of being real.
Then I begin the process of The Work, one thought at a time.
I want my life to make me happy – an Inquiry
“I want my life to make me happy.”
Q1: Is it true?
YES!
Q2: Can I absolutely know this is true?
No. Awareness is partly a choice and there is a part of me that often chooses escapism. It is not absolutely true, my answer is no.
Q3: How do I react, what happens, when I believe this thought?
The promise of escape – I want that wine! And the movie! And the chocolate! I’ll feel better then. Add another plate of food, eat until my stomach is stuffed and I’m ready to go to bed early. The project I started suddenly turns into tiring work. I should relax, slow down, finish it tomorrow. Tomorrow’s list gets longer and I start to feel the resentment that I should have to do all this work – my husband should help, or the kids; or someone. I need to earn more money to pay someone to do it. The burdens get heavier and heavier, the future darker.
My feet start to hurt, my shoulders feel tense. I no longer smile or move effortlessly. My stomach starts to churn. I remember that list of chores and I get stressed. And the end of the holiday is only 3 days away! I hate my job. Life is too hard to bear.
I’m not going out tonight, socializing is work. I’m not good company anyways. I isolate myself, keep my own company.
Q4: Who or what would I be without this thought?
The desire for wine is absent. Wine makes me drowsy, then later I can’t sleep. I am very clear on that – why would I want that? Why would I watch a movie when I could sew a skirt for my daughter’s birthday? It makes no sense. Without the thought, I’m looking forward to sticking the needles, to the whir of the sewing machine. Love goes into making something for my girls, and joy rises with that thought. Without the thought, I eat a small dinner, have a cup of tea. Without the thought, the moment is entirely comfortable. As I continue to be present joy meets each manifestation. ‘I’ disappears and the awareness that is left is free to appreciate the way of this moment. It laughs out loud with joy at nothing.
Turnarounds
The turnarounds are literal opposites of the original thought. We then find a few examples of how each turnaround could be as true.
‘I don’t want my life to make me happy.’
No, at that moment I want the wine and movie to make me happy. I’d prefer not to engage with life at all, actually. I’m engaged with the list of all future chores. I’m ignoring life as it happens right now.
‘I want my thinking to make me happy.’
That is true as well. I prefer happy daydreams of successful futures to the present moment a lot of the time. Even The Work I use in order to change my thinking to happy thinking.
‘I want me to make me happy.’
That too is true. I’m working tirelessly at creating an identity of ME that is satisfying. I project a future perfect me and set to work changing the present form. Within this statement, I see the eternal discontent and judgment of not being good enough, right now.
What is reality?
Maya, the illusion, the dreamworld – reality hidden behind a veil of thinking. Within the process of The Work, these words move from believed concepts into lived experience. Katie says that “you either believe your thoughts or you question them. There is no other choice.” The Work cuts the veil of thinking wide open. The bonds of attachment unravel as we begin to understand what causes our suffering. Every questioned thought has a hundred applications. As we live our realizations life becomes kind, fluid, effortless, and fearless.
Yes, I still have dark moments, and periods when I fall into the dream. And I have the experience of living out of questioned, enlightened mind.
In the days after this inquiry, I’m energized, focused, clear, and content. I get a lot done, I’m happy with me. Friends stop by the house and I’m at ease socializing. I eat little. Escape routes are simply no issue – instead of falling into using escape strategies, I can choose to be real.
Katie invites you to have The Work for breakfast and enjoy your life.
Everything you need to do The Work, as well as countless podcasts of Katie facilitating are available free of charge at thework.com.
Further reading on being real:
https://theleaderswork.com/uncategorized/simple-ways-to-overcome-obstacles-at-work/
