The depth and intricacy of our ability to communicate with each other are incredible. It’s one of the ways that distinguishes us as humans. The ways we speak and listen draw us together and break us apart as well.
Good communication is a skill that improves relationships, parenting, successful careers, and friendships. Improving our communication abilities can start with simple steps and build to advanced skills.
How is your communication?
Our communication mirrors who we are.
Our vocabulary reflects our background, upbringing, education, and interests.
Our body language reflects our intention, level of comfort with the situation at hand, and underlying issues and beliefs.
Our tone of voice reflects the emotions that underlie and inform what we say.
50% – at least – of good communication lies in listening.
Yet mostly we don’t excel at really taking in the wealth of information that is coming from the other person.
While we listen to what they say, a large and often unconscious part of us responds to how we perceive that person in front of us and what we think of them. While listening we also prepare our response and plan actions that make sure our needs are met.
“We don’t hear what someone says.
We hear what we think they meant.”
Byron Katie
Unconscious interference
The biggest interference to listening and speaking honestly and authentically happens when we feel threatened on some level.
This feeling of threat is often unconscious – feelings of anger, irritation, or impatience can be clues to feeling unsafe. If we continue to feel unsafe and overwhelmed in our everyday conversations – with family, friends, colleagues, or clients – we end up feeling powerless.
We begin to believe that we cannot change what is happening.
Simple and not so simple steps
Here are some steps you can take to improve difficult conversations:
- Create a safe environment for yourself
- Have a goal and share it
- Establish an outline and rules for the conversation
- Know how to ground yourself
- Have an exit strategy
- Debrief
- Remember that both of you are doing the best you can to solve this.
If you are already pretty confident of your communication abilities but would like to see what else you can do to improve and to get your point across more efficiently, these following points are for you:
- Know your triggers and use them to improve your skills
- Be aware of what you bring into conversations that could derail them
- Practice agreement
- Banish the word “But”.
Let’s talk a little about some of these steps:
Creating a safe environment for yourself
The ability to create a safe environment for yourself goes a long way to being able to listen fully and express yourself clearly. List some ideas then think about how you could implement them. What kind of space would you like to be in? Who should be there? How private should it be? How should distractions be managed? How is the seating arrangement?
Have a goal and share it
What is it that you want to get out of this conversation?
Our communication is often derailed by conflicting and unconscious expectations and motivations. If one person needs attention while the other wants to get something done, this is going to lead to friction.
Define what it is that you want to achieve. Do you want to be heard? Do you need to get information? Do you want to make a plan, discuss a point? Be clear and share your intention and expectation ahead of time.
Establish an outline and rules for the conversation
To have a clear outline and rules for conversations can feel very awkward and stilted at first. But think of one of those recurring difficult conversations in your life that never seem to go anywhere. It’ll take some effort to change this old pattern.
Establish a place to have your conversation, agree on a timeline, discuss who gets to talk when and for how long, and you regain some control for both parties. Research communication tools like talking sticks and the Imago technique. Discuss some ideas for ground rules and tools that can help you get what you need out of the conversation!
Know how to ground yourself
What is it that triggers you in conversations?
“Triggers” are mannerisms, words, sentiments, or body language that make us react in ways that are out of proportion to what is actually happening. Our reaction to these triggers often has its roots in childhood situations. They have the ability to make us throw reason and calm out of the window and plunge into unhelpful patterns of communication that are out of control.
In order to stay grounded, you need to first notice when you are triggered. Revisit one of the difficult situations in your mind. What was it that triggered you? How did that feel in your body? How did you react? Once you are more aware of what happens, you will catch the chain reaction before it derails you next time.
When you’re feeling triggered, grounding yourself can help you back into balance.
You can ground yourself by breathing deeply for a few breaths, by feeling your hands or making a specific gesture, by standing up and consciously bringing your weight onto your feet.
Share with your partner what happened and how you dealt with it. Then continue the conversation.
Have an exit strategy
Sometimes the triggers are too strong to ground.
In order for you not to be drawn into a fight or feeling despondent, it might be best to get up and leave. If this is an agreed strategy between partners it can be very helpful. You can discuss and think about ways to leave, and ways to ensure that the conversation can continue later.
Do you think it is rude to just leave the conversation or even the room? Think about how much ruder you could get if you start having a fight!
Debrief
Creating good communication habits comes with sharing your experience and improving over time. Share with your partner what worked for you and what didn’t. Think of some ways that you can improve next time.
Remember that both of you are doing the best you can to communicate! Acknowledge each other’s efforts and commitment.
Child’s Play?
Do you feel like your ability to communicate has outgrown these steps?
If the steps above are second nature to you but your communication is still not getting you what you want, here are some advanced skill techniques.
Know your triggers and use them to improve your skills
Being aware of what is happening for you while you communicate with someone is an advanced level skill. It enables you to stay conscious at all times and not get drawn into pointless arguments.
Going back to a difficult conversation after the fact and examining your reactions in retrospect allows you to move forward with more freedom and more control. In that way, triggers stop ‘triggering’ you and invite you to pay attention to your emotions and expectations instead.
List some of your common triggers, and see if you can find some new ones as well! Next to each trigger list an action that will help you stay calm and present.
Be aware of what you bring into conversations that could derail them
Consciously setting expectations for conversations helps you be more self-aware in general.
As you grow in awareness, you start to see how you push your agenda when talking with people (no reason to defend – we all do it!). You see clearly how 2 opposing agendas can easily turn any conversation into an argument. The more self-knowledge you gather the more obvious your motives, drives, and expectations are to you. You clearly see how they influence your actions.
Subconscious mind becomes conscious mind
At this level of self-knowledge, your subconscious mind enriches your conscious mind by becoming conscious and available to you. What used to be unconscious is lifted up to a subconscious level – available to you if you go looking for it.
When you understand yourself on this advanced level you naturally have more compassion for the person in front of you. As you come to accept your faults they are also easier to let go of in others.
Triggers are a way to try to meet a need
Reaction to triggers is our mind’s way of trying to meet a deep subconscious need from childhood. The specific need is often no longer applicable and often doesn’t relate to the situation at hand, but we still react out of it. We can bring more awareness to these situations if we ask ourselves what need this trigger is trying to meet for us.
Practice agreement
Most of our conversations derail because the people engaged in them have opposing agendas. This is easy to see. If we are not aware of our agenda we end up feeling unsafe, attacked, or disrespected. We start to defend our point of view. Once you are in defense mode, being right or being heard becomes more important to you than being at peace and finding a solution.
Practicing agreement is a way to practice listening and evaluating someone else’s point of view before falling into the trap of arguing. On the contrary, when you can appreciate what the other person brings they will feel heard. In response, they will be willing to listen to you and appreciate what you have to say.
“What goes up must come down.”
Think of some things people said that you thought were off or wrong and list them below. Can you see a way – however small – that their point of view might have value?
Banish the word “But”
Have you ever tried to communicate something important and your partner kept saying: “Yes, but …”?
These 2 words combined are a way of saying: “I know I should be listening and appreciating what you say, BUT I know better; and actually, first of all, I want you to listen and appreciate me.”
Using “but” in conversation places you in energetic opposition to your communication partner. It is a small and innocent-looking way of saying: “No, I don’t agree.”
If instead, you use the word “and” you include the other person’s point of view into what you are saying. Initially, this new way of using “and” instead of “but” will feel awkward, and at times even grammatically wrong. AND notice how it changes the flow of conversation to do that.
Going forward, notice when you use the word “but”. What is your motivation for using it? See if you can replace it with “and” instead.
Greedy for more?
Want the Workbook? Download it here!
If you enjoy learning about your motivations and subconscious drives so that you can be more aware of all the parts of who you are, and become better at communicating with others, join our upcoming course Courageous Communication 101!
We’ll be using some basic strategies for good communication and then dive into the well of self-knowledge and awareness. It’ll help you feel empowered and in control of what you say and how you react to others.
Find out more https://theleaderswork.coachesconsole.com/courageous-communication-101.html
Questions, suggestions? I love to hear from you! Email me stef@theleaderswork.com!
If you want to discuss your specific situation further book a complimentary Strategy Call or a Free 15 Min Session.
I’m always happy to see how I can help!
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