Finding Compassion and Supporting Myself during the COVID-19 through meeting and understanding my emotions and fears with Inquiry.

(Photo by Dominik Scythe on Unsplash)

Schools are closed in my town –

as well in the state where I live, the country, the continent.

Out of a sudden, that epidemic that was mostly in other parts of the world is here. It has become tangible. 

Whether we – my family, friends, neighbors – will actually be infected, or not, the COVID-19 epidemic now has an influence on our lives.

For 2 days I grapple with the various aspects of what I know and what I can control, or think I can control. 

According to statistics so far, this nuclear family is not particularly in mortal danger. We are healthy, relatively young. So far, there are no reported cases in my town. So far, we are not under house arrest – only the school is closed. Yet I am aware of a feeling of unease that pervades my day. I argue against it with logic, telling myself that the danger is in minimal. I also am aware that anxiety will depress the immune system, and that my anxiety will eventually transfer to my kids. I’m inclined to just not let myself ‘be silly’.

Luckily, this approach doesn’t work. It never has, and never will. Suppressing my feelings in this way will only make them worse. Like a tight seal on a boiling pot, the feelings will eventually explode out – in my case in the form of anger. I will be angry at my husband, my kids, something someone said, the government, or myself. I know that path, I’ve been done it countless times.

Luckily, I also have Inquiry. 

I can use my unease like an alarm bell. When I feel like this I know that I believe stressful thoughts, and I also know how to investigate their truth, their validity. 

Inquiry is my door to peace of mind. It is a safe haven. It enhances my meditative state of mind. In Inquiry, I acknowledge my feelings. It shows me their true origin – my stressful belief. Inquiry shows me that it is not the reality I live in that causes me stress, but what I think about it.

Once I see this so clearly I can absolve all the people in my world from being at fault. 

Inquiry nourishes my compassion and helps me support and understand myself during this COVID-19 epidemic.

In the turnarounds I find different truths. My mind opens to new ways of looking at the same situation.

I allow myself to perceive the gifts, the possibilities. My decisions and actions are clearer. I can act in balance with the facts I know right now. Tomorrow new facts could surface and I can also change my mind. I am no longer hampered by suppressed fears. 

My life feels again in balance with reality as it is right now. 

Inquiry

(aka Inquiry-based stress reduction, or The Work of Byron Katie) is a way of questioning our stressful thoughts. These thoughts are what cause our suffering. 

Inquiry is a very simple tool. It consists of nothing more than 4 questions that are applied to a stressful thought of your choosing. The 4 questions are followed by ‘Turnarounds’ ie ways of finding opposites to the original thought. 

Very simple.

Inquiry as cognitive therapy – Compassion and understanding are learned through the process

The process of Inquiry could be incorporated into cognitive-behavioral therapy, where you’d question if your perception of a situation is accurate (ie true), and what other interpretations could be valid. ‘Behavioral’ would be finding new ways of actively engaging in the situation and committing to them. In Inquiry this is called a ‘Living Turnaround’.

(In this article you could read more about how Inquiry can support adult mental development.)

Back to my situation,

I chose the first thought to investigate out of the most potent mental pictures that my fear produced during this first day of emergency measures. 

“I am scared of the virus because it will kill my daughter.”

Now logically I am of course aware that the correct statement would be: ‘It could but it is not very likely.”

However, I also know that my fear is caused by my mind’s story of how it actually will happen. So that is what I investigate.

“It will kill my daughter.”

Question 1 of Inquiry:

Is it true?

The answer to Question 1 and 2 is Yes or No only, one syllable. And notice how mind would like to justify, argue, be right. Staying in this moment when I experience the fear.

Yes, as long as I am scared, it feels a distinct possibility. Yes, true.

Question 2:

Can I absolutely know this is true?

It will kill my daughter?

I am going for the truth in this present moment. Can I absolutely know its true?

Right now, No.

Question 3:

How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought?

In this question, I investigate my reality when I believe this thought. I look at emotions, physical sensations, how I treat others and myself.

How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought?

I PANIC! 

My stomach drops. My breathing gets shallow and very strained. I develop tunnel vision, my thinking speeds up. Pictures arise in my mind – the child in bed, feverish, me having sleepless nights, her death, her twin devastated, me suffering forever – feeling the guilt because I couldn’t save her, feeling her absence into eternity. The pain of her loss is racking my body, tearing my heart apart – I feel weak, shivery, powerless, hollow, despairing.

I remember Beth dying in the movie and the book ‘Little Women’, the devastation of her mother. Tears start to come.

All the while my daughter is playing with her sister in the next room, unaware and completely healthy. 

What else happens?

I try to push the images away, not pay attention to them. I know its not true, dammit! Leave me alone! I contemplate watching a movie, getting lost in work, reading a book – just get away from this discomfort!! 

In the meantime, I absentmindedly snack and tidy the house, always with the fear of contagion, of disease at the edge of my awareness. I’m so very uncomfortable! I hate this disease! I hate this life! How can we get away? How can we keep ourselves safe?

Question 4:

Who would I be without this thought? 

In this question, I contemplate what a different reality could look like, a reality without this stressful belief. I am not trying to drop the thought, or let go of it – this is not possible. I just imagine a different scenario.

Who would I be without this thought? 

I sit down. 

I listen to the noises of a family house – playing in the next room, my husband bustling around the kitchen. A smile appears on my face, it relaxes. 

A deep breath. The breath seems to fill out my body, relaxing it. 

Mind slows down. 

I see the winter sun light up the newly fallen snow, sparkle on the neighbor’s car. It sparkles right into my soul! I feel the sunshine permeate my body, literally lighten it up. It feels so nice!

Another breath. 

In this moment, right now, I am calm, comfortable, happy. 

My kids are fine. 

Life is perfectly ordinary and perfectly glorious.

The Turnarounds

After we asked the 4 Questions we ‘turn the thought around’. The 3 basic Turnarounds can be to the opposite, the other, and the self. I find a few examples of how the turnarounds could be true as well.

Turnaround to the opposite: 

‘The virus won’t kill my daughter.’

How could this be true?

Right now, she’s not sick. At this moment, schools are closed and people are aware of how to prevent the spread of disease. Right now the percentages definitely are in favor of her staying alive, of both of them staying alive.

Turnaround to my thinking:

‘My thinking will kill my daughter.’

This accurately describes what is happening. Long before she even gets sick I see her dead in my mind. My thinking plays the movie of how her, I and the family will suffer. Long before any signs of illness  occur in reality, my thinking pronounces her dead.

Turnaround to the self:

‘The virus will kill me.’

The feeling is that if she dies, a part of me will die. The part of me that identifies as her mother. The greater the suffering before and after death, the more parts of my calm, happy persona (of my perceived identity) will be threatened. The virus will influence my peace of mind negatively, it will stress me and kill my happiness. That feels very true. This is actually where the stress is located – the perceived pain I will receive through her sickness and death. It is all about me.

It could of course actually kill me, but contemplating that doesn’t seem too scary right now. If it comes starts to scare me I’ll inquire.

The benefits of Inquiry in understanding my fears about COVID-19 and having compassion for myself and others.

Now, writing this newsletter and blog 24hrs later, I am so much calmer. I have acknowledged my feelings. My mind is educated on what is facts and what is a story, or belief. I am not done with Inquiry, but a large part of fear has left. 

I also have developed compassion and understanding for the people who are scared. It turned out that I was, too.

This translates directly into less anxiety, and therefor, a stronger immune system for us all. It also translates into a willingness to engage with the actual epidemic. As a family, we have made some choices of how to be social in the next few weeks. And again, this could change, when we have new information, new facts.

We decided to consciously practice social distancing for now. This means no hugs with friends. It also means open conversations:” I’d love to give you a hug right now, and I won’t. And I love you.”

It will mean no house guests, but outings with friends are fine for now. It means we don’t share a car, or food, but we can share our company. 

We can have conversations over screens; and at the same time, limit the exposure to sensationalist and frightening information on those same screens. 

It means homeschooling, which can include grandparents and parents. 

This is a lovely opportunity in many ways. 

It is an opportunity to reassess the ways we live, the things we take for granted. 

An opportunity to appreciate each other. 

One of the ways to doing that has become – for now – to not get too close, so that we might not spread the virus to those of our community that are at risk – the very young, the elderly, people that are immune-compromised already. It means doing our best to ‘flatten the curve’ of infection so that hospitals and care facilities won’t be overwhelmed.

I want to do all I can to keep others safe, as well. It would feel unkind to me to do anything less. 

During this time of uncertainty, each of us will have a greater amount of personal stress to cope with – be that around work, kids, relationships, or directly related to COVID-19. 
The Leaders Work offers daily Free Inquiry Sessions during this time.
You can book your personal session here:

Nourishing Compassion and Understanding during COVID-19 is important for yourself and others in your life. The Leaders Work offers a variety of free resources such as the Inquiry Experience.

Research into the efficacy of Inquiry-based Stress Reduction: https://researchonline.nd.edu.au/sci_conference/15/