I don’t like myself when I don’t like myself.

This has been a wonderful inquiry this morning, leading to liking myself much better!

“She doesn’t like me.”

I’m thinking this thought about a teacher on a course I took recently. This teacher will give me an appraisal at the end of the course. She is sharing a homework assessment with me on Zoom.

Going through the 4 questions and turnarounds of Inquiry, finding my freedom, and liking myself much better after the process. The questions are BOLD below.

She doesn’t like me – Is it true?

I think it is, yes.

She doesn’t like me, can I absolutely know this is true?

No.

How do I react, what happens, when I believe this thought, that she doesn’t like me?

Getting still, I envision our homework session together. 

I notice how I already bring the thought into the session. Before we begin, I have already decided that she doesn’t like me. I feel at a disadvantage, off kilter. Wanting her to like me while I think she doesn’t, I experience myself as unbalanced and uncomfortable. I think I need her approval to get a good appraisal at the end of the course. 

My skin feels like it’s crawling, the insides of my chest are tingling, wriggly. The energy inside me is moving, and doesn’t know it’s direction yet, just knows it’s uncomfortable. I’m holding my breath or breathe only very shallowly.

I’m watching her with the intent of reading how she reacts to me, in order to gauge what I need to do to have her like me. I watch my camera picture, I judge myself as we talk – my smile, my hair, my eyes, my background – all fall short. In believing that I need her to like me and she doesn’t, I judge myself as unlikable. I don’t like myself like this. I feel uncomfortable, and I feel she’s justified in not liking me. In return and defense, I don’t like her. I think she’s judgmental, not open, has an agenda that threatens me. 

All of this interferes with my homework, my attention is divided. I have a strong agenda other than this assignment.

Who would I be without this thought?

Without the thought that she doesn’t like me, I’m much more relaxed. I’m looking forward to the session. I don’t have an agenda other than to enjoy this assignment, which is Inquiry, which is something I love. It’s always time well spent. My body is relaxed, my breath deep and regular. My skin feels still, calm – energetic and alive, but soft, not wriggly. As we look at each other, I smile in welcome. We talk, then start the exercise. It’s simple, easy, it flows. I might ask questions, I can be carried. There’s nothing here that I need to know right now. I just follow the simple instructions of the exercise, answer 4 questions. I’m at peace, alive, in balance.

Turnarounds:

I’m turning the thought into literal opposites and find examples of how they could be as true, or truer:

She does like me.

• She said she liked to work with me.
• She mentioned that she wrote a worksheet on me – in my experience, doing that always makes space for deeper appreciation. 
• She said that she could relate to the topic of my inquiry. 

I don’t like her.

• That’s absolutely true at this moment. I feel judged, under pressure, and at a disadvantage, and I blame her for all of those. Then I find my proof in my own story about her. 
• My defensive ego builds a story around her that makes me right and her wrong. 
• I don’t see the human being, but the threat to my story about myself – that I’m a good facilitator, I’m open and likable, I know my work. Wanting to defend all that, I think she’ll judge me on those and I dislike her for that.

I don’t like myself.

• When I’m feeling unbalanced like this I don’t like myself. It’s very uncomfortable. I want to change it, I don’t want to acknowledge it about myself, I want to move the experience away – PRONTO! I don’t like myself when I don’t like myself.
• My dislike is mirrored back to me in my perception of my zoom video – my hair is flat and dull, the eyes too small, I’m not smiling enough. I’m too far from the camera, my head is way small, removed. I don’t look likable to myself.
• When I think I need something from others, I don’t like myself. I feel weak and powerless. I want to rebel against any perceived restrictions and expectations when I feel like that.

Phew! 

I carried that story of her dislike for some weeks now. Although it wasn’t particularly strong, it still informed my ways of interacting with my teacher. It kept me from taking in her guidance and advice. I made me uncomfortable.

After this inquiry, I feel connected to her again. It’s now easy to like her and to hear her advice. As a matter of fact, this inquiry showed me the truth about some of the feedback she gave me. I can appreciate that now. 

I also see how what I thought about her is nothing but a mirror of my own insecurities. Now that I can see that so clearly, it doesn’t overwhelm me anymore. It’s no longer hidden. Sharing it openly is another step towards letting it go, allowing it to move on. I don’t even have to change these feelings of insecurities. All I have to do is accept them as part of my overall life experience. Sometimes they are here, sometimes not. They do not define Who I am, but they are part of being alive as a human being. They teach me compassion, understanding, and love. 

I revel in the experience of liking myself on so many levels.

Join Byron Katie, the originator of Inquiry, on Zoom Monday-Friday to experience this wonderful work for yourself.

You can book a 1-on-1 session of Inquiry with me here, or try this FREE Inquiry Experience.