4 questions to help you understand the problem and grow into the solution
In life, change is inevitable – your choice is to like it or to resist it. Allowing your reality – your interpretation of your environment – to teach you about yourself supports your process of personal growth and leads to a life and career that are joyful and satisfying. The 4 questions of the Work of Byron Katie help you understand the ‘problems’ in your life and support you to grow naturally into the solutions. Learn how to use self-awareness to improve your work relationships and grow in confidence!
The inevitability of change
There’s nothing you can do to stop change. Change and life are almost synonymous – starting on the cellular level. As a cell divides and specializes, it grows and changes, developing different organelles and metabolic processes. Plants, animals, and humans are conglomerates of millions of cells, and we constantly go through that same process. There’s very little we have to do to get our bodies to change. Physical development, maintenance, and deterioration happen pretty much out of conscious control. We can influence the body’s physique to some extend – through food and exercise – but a lot of its appearance and health are out of our conscious control.
Adult development
As we go through life, we grow not only physically but also mentally, or in conscious awareness. As I have described in greater detail in this post on adult mind development, once we have reached adulthood, we continue to grow in our ability to interact with our environment. Mental development from newborn to adult focuses on amassing, classifying, and understanding information about ourselves and others. As adults, we grow into different ways of interacting with the information that comes our way. We begin to understand how much our interpretation of what we see, hear, and feel influences our day-to-day reality. Adult development means growing in inner knowledge, becoming more aware of who you are in the bigger picture of life.
This development happens in everyone, but at a different speed. While we all know that growth is essential, we also have resistance to change. This resistance shows up in behaviors and thinking. Parts of our behavior patterns are almost as old as the dinosaurs and are concerned with tribal allegiances and survival. Other patterns we carry since childhood. They inform us on how to be safe and cared for in our specific family and social environment. These patterns are deeply ingrained and hard to change. They inform our belief systems on a subconscious level. They are part of our identity; an expression of who we think we are.
Growth pushes boundaries
In any growth cycle, there is initial discomfort and annoyance with the status quo that spark a desire for change. Once the discomfort is strong enough it culminates into a search for a solution. If all goes right, implementation of the solution follows and leads to living happily at the new, higher level of development. Then the cycle will start again.
Pushing early boundaries
At 2 years old, a healthy toddler will push their boundaries for the first time by declaring their will as separate from the parents’ will, and by moving away from the parents’ safe presence. It is the parents’ task to keep the child safe while at the same time allowing and supporting their growth. In adulthood, we replay what we learned at this young age, but now, we act as both parent and child. Our inner dialog is holding the voice of the insecure child and the more mature parent. A part of you wants to grow into the best possible you and is willing and wanting to change, while another part fears the change, fears the moving away from the safe haven of what you always knew to be true and right. This contradiction creates an energetic push-pull situation.
Lessons for personal development
Depending on what you learned from your parents, personal growth will come easier or harder for you. If your mother was overtly scared that you’d hurt yourself you have learned that growth is scary. If you were punished for exerting your will, you learned that growth is painful and not acceptable. In both scenarios, your inner child will try and hold you back from changing in order to keep you safe. If your early environment was supportive and safe, your inner child will feel safer to explore now. Either way, as an adult, you have the ability and choice to be the supportive parent for your inner child. You can hold both parts of your identity and help yourself change in that way.
The more you are aware of those patterns within you, the easier it is to support yourself. When you are not aware of it, the desire to change and the desire to stay the same create a Yo-yo effect that can be very frustrating. You see the need to grow and expand, you take some steps, experience the satisfaction and exhilaration of the new you, and then find yourself dropping the new beneficial behavior (to some degree) and reverting backward; proving to yourself that change is hard. I’m sure you have experienced this to some degree.
Change comes with resistance
Any change you desire in yourself begins with the first step. Whichever path you want to take you will find the resistance cropping up. Know that this resistance is your first sign of change happening, and continue on. The thoughts of resistance are manifold and they don’t really matter all that much. You might want to ask yourself which part of you benefits from resisting – is it the old part, or the new, stronger part? Just know that resistance is part of the path, and to effect meaningful change, you’ll need to move through it, or past it. The next time it comes up it will be a little less strong.
Who do you want to be?
The desire for growth is programmed into us. Eckhart Tolle says that the ultimate goal of the human journey is awakening to complete awareness. At that point, identity is no longer needed, and life can be experienced as an effortless and kind flow. This is not a state of inactivity but rather a state of loving interaction and life in selfless service, without a need to maintain and defend an identity. Most likely, your desire right now is to grow into your next stage of identity – whether you are a doctor and want to specialize, or a student looking forward to graduation, or you are looking to change your profession. Whatever it is, the desire to grow will manifest as discomfort and unhappiness with where you are at.
Inner growth and outer change
The key in adult development is to understand that lasting personal growth is not a technical challenge. It won’t be affected by amassing more information, or by changing a behavior or a situation. Lasting growth happens through a deeper understanding of your inner world. Once you know how your mental and emotional processes influence your behavior and your reality you can begin to really move forward. Inquiring into your inner world, into your reasoning and motivations allows you to see how you influence your outer reality. Contrary to the belief that your situation is dependant on your environment, you begin to see how much your environment is created by you. At that stage, you begin to grow into your personal power.
The Work
The 4 questions of the Work of Byron Katie allow you to investigate your internal world in relation to what you perceive in the outer world. Once you understand what is really happening, new solutions become apparent. These new solutions are kind, honest, and powerful.
Your working environment is just one example of your outer reality. By using the 4 questions to inquire into work-related challenges you learn about yourself and find solutions to all your old problems. This allows you to grow more effectively while feeling safe and held in the process of the Work. There is no limit to where the Work can take you as long as you are committed to developing an open mind.
Learning the Work with working relationships
Working relationships (and any other relationships) are a good starting point for learning to use the 4 questions of the Work. The people around you mirror what you believe about yourself, the good, bad, and the ugly. We use the Work to judge a colleague, boss, or staff member, and ask these 4 questions:
- Is it true?
- Can I absolutely know this is true?
- How do I react, what happens, when I believe this thought?
- Who would I be without this thought?
These questions invite you to listen to your inner commentary and get to know yourself. The questions are followed by “Turnarounds” which are opposites of the original statement. By finding examples for how these opposites can be true, you open your mind to different possibilities. The Work is training to develop open-mindedness and enables you to let things go. As you grow in self-awareness, your work environment – and the rest of your outer reality – become a sounding board for how your inner balance and personal growth are doing. You begin to take full responsibility for your life and work. Life becomes more fluid and joyful. This is an incredibly powerful and satisfying place to be.
Learning how to use self-awareness to improve work relationships helps you grow in confidence and appreciation for yourself. And the best thing is, you didn’t need anybody else to change to make you happy!
