How could it be that looking at our addiction to comparing and judging can actually help us let feelings of inadequacy go? Even though we know we shouldn’t, we easily get infected with ‘comparisonitis and fall into the trap of thinking that others are ‘so much better than I am’ (or so much worse). 

I’m not good enough

“She’s so much better than I am” is one variation of the thought that “I am not good enough.”  The thought that “I’m not good enough” is rampant in society. We all have heard that comparing ourselves to others can easily get us down. Nevertheless, we do it all the time. When we’re not aware of it, this thought will easily make our everyday life very unpleasant. It will come out in trying to please, look good, work harder, be perfect, and make choices to please others rather than benefit ourselves. If we are aware of the belief and its effects, we often try to reason it away. The Work of Byron Katie is a way of acknowledging the thought, understanding its effects on our lives, and investigating its truth. As a result, we are no longer as attached to it. 

The results of questioning our thinking

Dr. Judy works at a midsized veterinary hospital in Canada. She’s worked at this same hospital for over 15 years. She feels that her working environment is a good one, but there are still enough days when the ‘normal’ stresses of being a veterinarian are threatening to overwhelm her. Her worksheet is a variation of “I’m not good enough.” She’s investigating a situation where she’s feeling inferior to a younger colleague who is very knowledgeable in regard to Emergency Medicine and other difficult medical cases. 

2 weeks after having questioned her thoughts about this colleague with the Work, Dr. Judy says:

For the relationship with my colleague, I would say it feels a bit more like we are on an even keel now. I’m recognizing that she comes to me with surgery questions and I can go to her for emergency questions. Today I asked her to look at x-rays and she looked then suggested I ask one of our coworkers who is better than her at radiographic interpretation, so it’s validating to see that we both go to our colleagues for help and it’s totally acceptable. Interesting how much a change in perspective can make a difference. 🙂

She’s so much better than I am – the inquiry

Dr. Judy’s worksheet:

• I’m feeling inadequate with my colleague because she’s so much better than I am. 
• I want her to be more understanding. I want her to be less judgmental. 
• She should be less judgmental. She should use it as a teaching opportunity. She shouldn’t put others down to make her feel better.
• I need her to know that I don’t have as much expertise in ER and difficult cases. I need her to know that what comes easily to her is more difficult for me.
• She’s judgmental, mean-spirited, and benefits from others’ misfortunes.
• I don’t ever want to be made to feel stupid by her again. 

As you follow Dr. Judy as she answers the questions of the Work, notice how her wisdom and clarity of how to deal with this stressful situation emerges – just because she’s looking at it with a different lens.

Going through the 4 questions and turnarounds of The Work

The process used is the Work of Byron Katie. The Work is a method to investigate the thoughts that cause our various stresses. The 4 questions of the Work and prompts for the turnarounds are bold in the text below.

Stef: What is your situation? 

Judy: The bigger situation was my emergency case. It was to go to surgery but there were a number of imbalances in the blood work and the dog was very ill, in order to stabilize it for surgery there was a good amount of medical work to be done on that very sick animal, and there was a lot of: “Oh, you should put this drip on!” And I’m like: “ya, your right, I should do that […] I don’t want her to know that I feel inadequate and that I don’t feel competent in what we’re doing, and she just finds everything so easy and certain. I’ve seen her with other cases and other doctors be judgmental on those, so I’m trying to not do anything that might cause her to judge me. […]

Stef: Good – that sounds like a perfect situation. In that moment, where are you in the clinic? 

Judy: I was sitting at the computer. I’d brought the bloodwork up on the computer. […] And I’ve got other things going on as well, so I was feeling overwhelmed with all the things that needed to happen, and she kind of floated by, and she’s like: “Oh, you should do this!” […] I was basically struggling with every step making sure I do a proper job and not missing things. Things that would be judged later, like: “Why didn’t you do this? Obviously, you should have done that!”

She’s so much better than I am.

Stef:  Yes. yes. So in that moment, she’s so much better than you are, is that true? 

Judy: (smiles). She’s definitely a lot faster and more experienced in those things than I am! 

Stef: If the answer was yes or no – is it true? She’s so much better than you are? 

Judy:  That’s a challenging mindset. I want to say yes she is better than I am, but …

Stef: So say it! Say it, and allow that part of you to have its say.

Judy: Ok, so, yes, she is better than I am. Yea.

Stef:  Yea. And can you absolutely know that that’s true? That she’s so much better than you are? And again the answer is either yes or no. 

Judy:  it feels like a yes again. It’s because she is so much faster than I am, she has so much more experienced, and is so much more confident than I am.

Stef: Right. And notice how the mind wants to keep putting the proof out there. The answer to the first 2 questions is either yes or no. And our mind wants to go – yes, but; or yes, because … 

[…] Just notice that. This is how our mind operates all the time, that is what happens. 

She’s so much better than you are. What happens, how do you react in that moment there as you are finding all the info for the treatments for this dog? You are sitting at the computer and you have the feeling and thought that she is so much better than you at this. How do you feel? 

Judy: I wouldn’t say it’s as far as distressed. But certainly incredibly negative. And there’s embarrassment that I don’t know this and I should know this better. Yea. And I guess there’s still that worry for my patient that I’m not the best doc for that patient, because what if I miss something. So anxious I suppose, anxious embarrassed, yea.

Stef:  And where in your body do you feel those emotions? 

Judy: Right above my heart. (Laughs.) Right there. If it sits long enough it will go into my neck, the muscles in my neck. It starts as that feeling of anxiety and uneasy right in there (chest) and then spreads. […] It’ll go into a headache, tension headache around the front. […]

Stef: And what do you see in the future with that feeling?

Judy: I think that feeling is why I – I’d mentioned I dread going to work sometimes. And that feeling is why I have that idea: “Uch, I don’t want to go to work today, because that could happen to me.” And I don’t like that feeling, so I don’t want to go where that can happen!

Stef:  Right! So that is what you see going forward, is these days when you really don’t want to be there, or it just going to be horrible. Does this thought bring peace or stress into your day?

Judy: STRESS! (Both laugh)

Stef: Can you see any stress-free reason to keep that thought around?

Judy: No. No. It would be much better without that thought, that’s for sure.

Stef: Who would you be without that thought in that moment?

Judy: Oh, so much more relaxed and comfortable! I don’t know if I’d be amazingly confident, but I certainly wouldn’t be worried about my confidence level or worrying about competency. I’d just be: “I’m going to do this, this is what I’m going to do, and ill be fine!”

Stef: Hmmm. Would you treat your colleague differently? Would you interact with her differently? 

Judy: Yes. I think I would. I mean – because part of how we interact is fairly normal and part of it is an act. So I wouldn’t be acting and watching what I’m saying because I wouldn’t be so afraid of letting her find out that I’m not good enough. It would be much more natural, I wouldn’t have to watch what I’m saying! Yeah!

Stef: And how does this ‘more relaxed’ feel in your body? 

Judy: Shoulders come down, the neck’s not pulling them up so they definitely come down. Slower breathing. 

Stef: Let’s turn it around. She’s so much better than I am. Can you see a turnaround, can you see an opposite to that? 

Judy: She’s not so much better than I am. 

Stef: How would that be true in that moment there?

Judy: Because I did the job! It was hard but I did find that stuff. I used her as a resource just as I used my other calculations on my iPad and stuff like that to get through it and in the end, I did do what I needed to do. I got the blood work to what it needed to be so that we could go to surgery. So – she would have done it – I did it as well. 

Stef: That is good to see! And I love that you’re putting in there that you used her as a resource as well. That is really professional, right? 

Judy: Mmm-hm. The silver lining to Covid has been the ability to do a lot more collaborative medicine. Without clients in the building it’s been very easy to say: “Guys, I’ve got this wonky Xray, come look at it; or gosh, come look at this; what do you think about blah blah.” Its been really easy to work together as a team, to draw on each other experiences and suggestions. Even just to have confirmation that: Should I do this? Yes. Ok! This has been lovely, it really does ease the burden of feeling like: “You’re the doctor, you better do this on your own! It has made it that much nicer. It is helpful to see coworkers as resources, just as we have compendiums and all sorts of tools that we use. That is nice. But I don’t want to feel like – the part where I struggle is when I wonder if I’m using her too much as a resource. Cause, shouldn’t I know this on my own? She’s simply better. But if I can think of her as a resource, why can’t I just consult her as I consult Plumbs. If I can just ask her I can get the answer much quicker because she’s so quick on it, you know? 

Stef: Totally! And every time somebody asks me to help and show off my knowledge, hey, that makes me feel good!

Judy: That’s true!

Stef: What would be another turnaround to “She’s so much better than I am.”?

Judy: The exact opposite would be: I am better than she is.

Stef: Can you see an example of that?

Judy: I’m way better in surgery than she is. That can be an example of that. She’ll come to me for surgical advice, and I’ll go to her for medical advice. Does it even out, maybe? Maybe? Laughs.

Stef: laughs. That is a good start! That’s great to see! And look at that situation. Maybe just a small little thing, that you’re better than she is in that situation. […]

Judy: Hmmm. Not necessarily for the animal, but for the client. Does that count? Because I do feel that in these difficult situations where people should have brought the animals in earlier they’ve let it go too long, and now the animal is in dire straights, I do feel that I’m able to smooth things a bit better? She’ll be very blunt and say: “This should have been seen a while ago.” Whereas I will say: This is the situation we are in now, there is not really any point in making them feel worse about it, she’s already upset, so we’ll gloss over the fact that … You know I’ll say: “She’s very sick, but she’s very good at hiding how sick she is. You know, animals are great at that. Sometimes it’s incredibly hard to see what was actually going on inside.” 

This animal had a torn uterus. She didn’t show acute pain and distress at home. As a shepherd, she was quite stoic. Even in the kennel, I couldn’t believe she was as good as walking in here, after this long. Rather than saying you left this too long – she’d be more blunt in saying that. For me it’s better to say you did the best you could with what you had, she wasn’t giving you the information that would have led to this diagnosis earlier. I’m very sorry that this is how it went down. They really cared. I think, in that case, it is better for the client to have that interaction cause, in the end, we lost the dog too. We euthanized her on the table. It was a sad situation all around. It was a good medical and surgical case all around in terms of the quality of the work, but it had an unfortunate outcome. 

Stef: Yes. Medical knowledge is a big part of it but being able to deal with clients well is a really important skill. This patient didn’t go home, but antagonizing the client in the consulting room with an animal that is going home is not necessarily serving the animal. So I think that’s a really good example.

Stef: There is one other turnaround. You can turn it around to ‘my thinking’. It would look like: I’m so much better than I think I am. Right? You can see that.

Judy: Hmmm.

Stef:  Can you see an example of that? How you are actually better than you think you are in that moment? 

Judy: I think it’s because I did do the job. I did get it done. I got the blood values where I needed them to be. Clearly, if I can do it, if I can get from point a to point b I am good enough to do it. 

Stef: Right! 

I want her to be more understanding

Stef: I want her to be more understanding. This is your second statement, and we take the whole sentence. In that moment there, you want her to be more understanding – is that true?

Judy: Yes?

Stef: And can you absolutely know if that is true, that you want her to be more understanding? 

Judy: No! (Laughs.) I think I sometimes put my feelings and emotions onto her, and maybe me worrying that she’s not understanding, and maybe she actually is just flattered that I’m asking because she knows, and she can help, and that’s fine! And it’s not her being – you know: “Ach, she needs more help!” It might be: “Yea, yea, it’s this”, and of she goes! So there is no judgment potentially in that situation. Maybe she is just completely understanding. It’s just me who’s: “I wish she could be more understanding of how I feel.” And I have been hiding it from her, no less! Laughs

Stef: Right? (Laughs.) How do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought that you want her to be more understanding?

Judy It feels a little bit – it’s a conflict. Which I also don’t like. (laughs). It feels like me against her, rather than us as a team.

Stef: Yes! And where do you feel that in your body? 

Judy: Shoulders, I’d think. That hunched, preparing for battle, kind of thing. 

Stef: What is your body language and facial expression as you interact with her?

Judy: Usually not looking at her. It’s just casual: “Hey, (speaks in a high light voice) Lalala” around the corner kind of thing.

Stef: Ah. And how is your breathing?

Judy: Certainly not relaxed! (Laughs)

Stef: I want her to be more understanding. Who would you be without that thought in that moment? 

Judy: I’d be somebody who felt they were on a team. We were working cohesively as a group. Yea, supported. 

Stef: Yep! And how is that different in your body?

Judy: Shoulders are down! (Laughs)

Stef: How would you act differently with her? 

Judy: Well, I would be less ashamed to use her as a resource. Mmmm and so I’d probably just be upfront and say: “Looks like I need to do potassium, insulin, dextrose, and these medications can you throw me your doses for these 3 while I look up these other ones?” I’d be much quicker getting my answers because if I could say: “Can you grab me those numbers from the top of your head, and I’ll look at these things, then I can get her underway faster.” 

That would be so much easier! (Laughs)

Stef: Right? (Laughs). And would you look at her differently? Would you stand in front of her differently?

Judy: Yea, I’d probably turn to face her more. Yeah.

Stef: Without the thought, is it more or less stressful?

Judy: Oh, less. Less stressful. 

Stef: This seems like such an obvious question, right? Like why would I even bother taking the time to answer this! This is where you learn. It’s that repetition again. It is less stressful! Why would I continue to put myself through this?

Judy: (Laughs.) Yes.

Stef: I want her to be more understanding. What would be a turnaround? 

Judy: I want to be more understanding.

Stef: Of her! Right? And how would that be true in that moment? Why would you want to be more understanding of her?

Judy: Because I wouldn’t put negative thoughts on her that maybe don’t exist. 

Stef: And that would improve your relationship with her?

Judy:  Yes! It would be less acting, less watching what I’m saying…

Stef: Yes, right? And another turnround?

Judy: I guess I don’t want her to be more understanding. I find this hard to see…. Unless maybe because she‘s already understanding. Because we’re a team, same side. 

Stef: Right? So that’s a good one! I have an example, would you like to hear it?

Judy: Hmm-hm!

Stef: I don’t want her to be more understanding because if she was understanding of where I’m at she might not stop and help. 

Judy: Mmmm. Hmm-hmmm. 

Stef: And I would actually have to go and find her and …

Judy: Yea. That is worse when you track someone down to help you. 

Stef: And then there’s a third turnaround. I want me to be more understanding of myself.

How would that be true in that moment? 

Judy: Because I would be more like: I know you are in a situation you don’t like, but you can do this! Use your resources and get it done! 

Stef: Right? Instead of having not just the stress of the situation but also the personal slave driver behind you, that’s telling you you’re not good enough and you need to move faster than you can. 

I want her to be less judgemental.

Stef: I want her to be less judgemental. Is it true? 

Judy: Hmmm. Yes, with a caveat because I have to explain why. (Both laugh.) Because in that situation – she actually wasn’t judgmental in that situation, but I’ve seen her be judgmental in other situations about other doctors, and she’ll come to me and say: “Oh my gosh, they didn’t even bother to put that medication on that dog!”  And I’d be: “Oh ya, I’d have thought of that for sure!” (Laughs.) So I anticipate it for myself. 

Stef: Right! And so just notice how we carry those things! She did it then, therefore, she does it now. 

Judy: Yeah. Yes.

Stef: While you can’t really know that she does.

Judy: That’s right.

Stef: And she might be judgmental about you 3 hours later. But that is 3 hours later, that is a different situation! Right now, is that actually what is happening. Again, just noticing how our mind works and how we put these things on ourselves and other people. So for me, that would go on another worksheet. I would want to look at that situation when she was judgmental about those other doctors. Because it was hurtful. It hurt me. I’d want to understand. 

Can you absolutely know that that’s true in that moment, you want her to be less judgmental?

Judy: No.

Stef: And how do you react, what happens when you believe that thought that you want her to be less judgmental? As she’s walking past and telling you to do this, do that?

Judy: As I believe her to be judgmental, I’ve got again that anxiety – shoot, maybe I shouldn’t ask, maybe I can’t use her as a resource. What am I gonna do if I can’t find the answers indeed, then she wonders why I haven’t got those answers I need.

Stef: And when you go into the past with that, do you see other situations like that? In your life, can you see times not at work, maybe at school or other times, when you had that feeling that you want people to be less judgmental of your performance? 

Judy: I was friends at Vet College with one of the top students who had that ridiculous brain that can remember everything and I remember her saying: “You don’t remember that from last year?” We’re just back for the new year and I’m (using a sweet high voice): Noooo, I don’t remember that from last year! (Laughs.)

Stef: Can you see a stress-free reason to keep that thought? I want her to be less judgmental?

Judy: No. (Laughs.)

Stef:  Who would you be without this thought?

Judy: Less worried. Yep.

Stef: Again, just check-in how your body feels different. 

Judy: Shoulders come down and my breathing gets slower. 

Stef: And when you see her in that situation how do you act differently with her?

Judy: More confident and more like a colleague on par, you know? 

Stef: And going back to that moment with your friend at university, who would you have been in that moment without the thought? 

Judy: I would have just laughed! I would have said: “No! And that’s fine!” (Laughs.)

Stef: Right? I don’t, and I’m glad you do! (Laughs.) So much lighter.

Let’s turn it around. I want her to be less judgmental. 

Judy: I want me to be less judgmental about her. Just because I’ve seen her exhibit behaviors doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening at that moment. You know? She may not be being judgey, and I’m just assuming she is, and not even thinking about it! And as you said – is that true? 

Stef: And I want me to be less judgemental about myself? 

Judy: That one’s harder because I tend to hold myself to a high standard and if I’m not feeling that I’m making that standard I’m feeling negative about myself. If I wasn’t judging and berating myself internally for not being better that would be nicer!

Stef: That would be nicer. And I’m hearing maybe there’s a feeling that if I don’t do that I’m not going to perform as well. 

Judy: Yea, to some degree, because you always gotta better yourself, right?

Stef: So that’s a really good thing to look at for yourself! How am I supportive of myself as I want to learn more. What are the things that work and what are the things that don’t work? The slavedriver mentality is the thought that punishment works. Right?

Judy: You don’t want to feel that way again, so do better!

Stef: Yea. Just noticing how we treat ourselves. Did we do the turnaround that you don’t want her to be less judgmental? 

Judy: No, we didn’t. So I don’t want her to be less judgemental. (Laughs.)

Stef: (Laughs.) Why is that true? How can it be true? 

Judy: Hmmmmm. Tricky. On the one hand, if she’s less judgmental in general, then she’s not sharing information either. Because when she is judging then she’s also saying: “I would have put that medication on this one, and I would have done that differently…. “ And that is an opportunity to learn for me, to be honest. It may not be directed at the person but if I see a case on the road I might think about that too.

Stef: And that is so important Judy because we tend to think that somebody judging us always means they are judging us negatively. But our brain judges! That’s what we do! This is like that, this is like this! This could be this! It’s just as you say if we put away that this means that I’m less than her, it is a learning opportunity! It’s all it is! It doesn’t even need to mean that it’s right or wrong. It’s just: Oh, that’s an idea! 

Seeing judgment in that light, is it more or less stressful to be judged?

Judy: Less. 

Stef: Right. Yeah. and so what is an opposite of judgemental?

Judy: Supportive? 

Stef: So that could be another turnaround. I want her to be less supportive. Just looking at it. Just for fun.

Judy: (laughs.) I don’t like that concept. (Laughs.) That is a struggle.

Stef: Do you want to hear a suggestion?

Judy: Mm-hmm.

Stef: Looking at this worksheet, as we turned these things around, her being judgmental is actually supportive. Right? So as we learn this work, we find there’s a part of us that doesn’t really want to change, wants to stay how we’ve always done it. That Judy knows: This is who I am, when those cases come, I’m anxious, and I don’t want to be lectured and judged. Even if that judgment would mean I’d be more comfortable. So I project my discomfort on her – it’s her fault. You are acting that part out. You are not turning around to her and saying: “Hey, I so appreciate your help!” Making sure that more help comes your way. Instead, you are taking in the absolute minimum that you have to take in as she’s running past, and you are shielding your body, your shoulders come forward and up. You’re not really looking at her. You’re interpreting supportive as judgemental, and you don’t want that. 

Judy: Yep, ok. 

Stef: So that is how when you play with those concepts you’ll find new ideas. So you turn it around and you find that it doesn’t make sense. So you play with it: How could it make sense? It’s really playing with how we are thinking and understanding what these thoughts do. 

She should be less judgmental.

Stef: She should be less judgmental. Let’s just do the turnarounds.

Judy: She should be more judgmental! 

Stef: Nice! Why? How could it be true that she should be more judgmental?

Judy: If she’s more judgemental she does impart information and it does help us become better! To do more for our patients than we would have done? 

Stef: Yes! And I have another suggestion – do you want to hear it? 

Judy: Yes.

Stef: Her being judgmental mirrors your internal judgment. As long as you use a practice like this for you to understand what is going on for you, her measure of judgment is your mirror. It is telling you how you are doing. If you are at peace with yourself she can say whatever she wants and it’s not going to hurt you. 

You see her as judgemental because there’s a part of you who thinks “I’m not good enough”. So it’s a measure of how you’re doing. It shows up the wounds that were there before she came. In that way, people that do the work regularly, they are like: “I want her to be more judgemental because I want to see what is left. I want to see If I need to do another worksheet.” And turning it to yourself?

Judy: I should be less judgmental. And that would be both of me and of her.

Stef: Right. And tell me, what would that look like in that situation? 

Judy: I suppose with interactions with her I’d be more friendly, talking as equals. With myself, I’d be less stressed about figuring things out, potentially more organized, and better able to do the job. 

She should use it as a teaching opportunity.

Stef: She should use it as a teaching opportunity. Is that true?

Judy: I would say so?

Stef: Can you absolutely know if that is true, that she should use it as a teaching opportunity? 

Judy: Yes, I can’t see a reason why not, she has so much knowledge and she can share it, we can all benefit from it? 

Stef: Right? And how do you react, what happens at that moment when you believe that thought that she should use it as a teaching opportunity. Is the thought that she is doing it or not?

Judy: She does teach, but she does it in a condescending manner. It would be better if she’d speak to us as equals and not talk down to us. 

Stef: So that’s how you perceive that. She should use it as a teaching opportunity and you are feeling that she’s condescending. So this is not teaching well. So how do you react, what happens when you have the thought that she should use it as a teaching opportunity.

Judy: I feel very small because you are being taught. Yet it’s from somebody … she’s younger than I am for goodness sake, so it feels very odd. Whereas it was more of a sharing, on equal footing, we’re at the round table kind of thing. 

Stef: Again, look at your body language and facial expression as you think that about her.

Judy: If she’s teaching condescendingly I have a more frowny face because thinking about what she’s teaching you, trying to take it in and remember it, you know? 

Stef: And your body and breathing? How is that?

Judy: Not relaxed. Everything is on alert, you know?

Stef: Will you face her? Look into her eyes?

Judy: I would in that situation, but certainly not with a relaxed face.

Stef: Who would you be without that thought in that moment, that she should use it as a teaching opportunity?

Judy: Hmmmmm. I’d say much more receptive to the information because it would be shared rather than condescended – which makes you want to hear more, to be honest. […]

Stef: And in that way, how is the difference in your facial expression?

Judy: Relaxed. 

Stef: And the breathing?

Judy: Yes, slower! No need to be stressing or focused or intense.

Stef: Is there anything you would say differently to her in those moments, without the thought? 

Judy: Not necessarily, but I would mean it in a more real manner, rather than acting it. It would be true.

Stef: Nice! Nice. So let’s turn it around: She should use it as a teaching opportunity?

Judy: She should not use it as a teaching opportunity. 

Stef: How could that be true?

Judy: Because it would not be teaching from a position of authority, it would be a sharing among equals. 

Stef: Nice. And how else could it be true?

Judy: hmmm. I should use it as a teaching opportunity. 

Stef: Mm-hmm? 

Judy: Which I suppose could be a point of which to say: “I’m not as comfortable with these things, I’m thinking this and this? Have I missed anything?” Just being directly honest, just saying these are the things I have come up with, what do you have to add and share? 

She shouldn’t put others down to make herself feel better.

Stef: She shouldn’t put others down to make herself feel better. Is that true? 

Judy: Hmmmmm. No! No, because that’s putting my judgment on her. I don’t know if that is why she’s saying that. I’m not in her head to know if that is actually what she’s doing when she’s judging these cases. 

Stef: Right? 

Judy: I know that I will sometimes be guilty of: “Well, they should have done this, I would have done that” to make myself feel better. Because I often feel inadequate, so I can see a situation where I might have handled a case differently and might have got a different outcome I will say it. To stoke my own ego. But that’s me, that’s not necessarily her. 

Stef: Yea! Not necessarily in that situation here, and you know that you can fall into that trap as well – and this is what we do! We have egos! And ego likes to do that thing. That’s just … none of us chose it. None of us go: “Ok, now I’m going to put that person down so that I can feel better.” That’s just how we operate sometimes. And sometimes not.

Judy: Yep.

Stef: Who would you be without this thought that she shouldn’t put others down to make herself feel better in that situation there? 

Judy: I would feel less negative. That’s a pretty negative thought, I’d be more positive.

Stef: Right? And let’s turn it around.

Judy: I shouldn’t put others down to make myself feel better. (chuckles) Which is true.

Stef: If we expect that of others, then we kind of want to start with ourselves.

Judy: Yeah. Yea. 

Stef: Knowing this turnaround, having seen it like that you might be able to catch yourself next time this happens and just go: “Oh, ok look at me!” And then notice that it just happened. There is another turnaround. To the I. I shouldn’t put ….

Judy: Oh – myself down? Yeah. There’s a lot of negative self-talk, I would say. 

Stef: It’s interesting if you look at the whole sentence, how this turnaround turns out: I shouldn’t put myself down to make myself feel better. 

Judy: Hmmmm!

Stef: Its that slave driver, right? Punishment works.

Judy: Yea.

Stef:  Just noticing. Did we do the turnaround that she should put others down to make herself feel better? I don’t remember now.

Judy: No, I don’t think we did! And I thought of it too! 

Stef: Ok!

Judy: So she should put others down to make herself feel better. Hmmmmm. So I suppose everybody does need an ego boost now and again, so … (laughs).

Stef: Yes! She’s human! And now that you’ve looked at her like that, you’ll feel more connected with her every time she does it. You’ll think: I get that. I do it too. 

Judy: Everybody does it. 

Stef: Everybody does it. Going forward every time she does – she should do it so that you’ll be reminded of this worksheet. 

Judy: Mmmm! Chuckles

I need her to know that I don’t have as much expertise in ER and difficult cases.

Stef: I need her to know that I don’t have as much expertise in ER and difficult cases. Is that true? 

Judy: No – although. I don’t need her to know that. Because she doesn’t currently know that. It works without her knowing that. Does it work great? No. But it’s also not necessary.

Stef: Good to see that distinction! How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

Judy: Hmmm. It comes with the feeling of dreading admitting this guilt to her. What happens when she hears that.

Stef: And that would be a really good thing to go into! To write some of this out for yourself: What happens when I tell her. She’ll think I’m not good enough. She will judge me. She’ll talk behind my back. She’ll xyz. Just really look at what’s there. […]

Who would you be without that thought? 

Judy: Hmmm. Accepting. More accepting of myself probably. You don’t need her to know about that, and you can do just fine still. Accept yourself for your own limitations and move along…

Stef: How are your body and your face different without that thought? 

Judy: Softer.

Stef: Is it more or less comfortable?

Judy: More comfortable.

Stef: Can you see a way of turning it around?

Judy: I don’t need her to know that I don’t have as much experience. Which is true. So far she doesn’t know. It’s been years and she doesn’t know. (Laughs.) I guess another turnaround would be: I need her to know that I have as much experience in those cases. This is a bit more challenging. It’s because I have many more years of vet med. I graduated much earlier than she did, so yes, I’ve been in the business longer, but she did an internship where she was seeing nothing but these critical cases. The caseload may be fairly comparable in terms of what she’s seen. And of course in a referral setting like she was in they have a lot more medications, tech, and things available to treat those things. We’re not admitting those cases cause we don’t have 24hr care, that is where we would be sending those cases.

Stef: So in that way you have more experience in handling those cases in your setting, right?

Judy: Yea. 

Stef: And the turnaround to yourself. I need me to know?

Judy: That I don’t have as much experience?

Stef: Yes.

Judy: Sure! And is it a bad thing? No. Cause everybody has different experiences. Just because I don’t have as much experience in that area doesn’t mean I don’t have way more experience in surgery. She’s never done a dental in her life. (Laughs).

Stef: Right? So I need me to know – why is it that you need you to know that about yourself in that moment?

Judy: So that I can accept it and not drive myself to be as good as she is in that same situation. 

Stef: Yes, that’s a good one! and I have another suggestion – do you want to hear it?

Judy: Yes.

Stef: So that you can ask her questions that allow you to do it quickly and effectively. To see yourself clearly. Because thinking you know as much as she does and being wrong about that, that can be disastrous. 

Judy: Yea.

Stef: There is another turnaround that I haven’t introduced yet, and that is a Yay- Turnaround. The Yay-turnaround is basically asking: how is that a good thing? How is that original thought a good thing?

Judy: Because if she knew that she would maybe be more forthcoming or come and ask: “Do you need any help with any of your calculations?” She might come and check in a lot more without my needing to go and ask her questions.

Stef: Right? I’d have to add something, do you want to hear it?

Judy: Yes?

Stef: Earlier, you had a moment when you went: I could see me telling her in this way. Because you were feeling ok with her knowing this, and with going to her and asking the questions without hiding anything. 

Judy: Yes. If I see her as a resource. It is acceptable to use any resource at your disposal to come up with the right answer. Yes, of course. 

Stef: Exactly! And if you don’t have the feeling you have to hide anything because she knows, then in those moments you don’t have to hide. You can just ask: these are the things you need to know.

Judy: Yes.

Stef: And also that feeling of being more at peace and more relaxed for yourself as well. Being more within your integrity and being more truthful towards her. 

Judy: Yes.

So I need her to know that what comes easy to her comes more difficult to me.

Stef: So I need her to know that what comes easy to her comes more difficult to me. Is that true?

Judy: No. No, cause she doesn’t need to know that. In the end, everything gets done the same. Whether it’s a challenge or simple you can still reach the end goal. 

Stef: Let’s turn it around. I need her to know what comes easy to her comes difficult to me.

Judy: I don’t need her to know that what is easy for her comes difficult to me. I don’t need her to know that because as we said we can still get it done regardless. And possibly she already knows! She said she’s acquired all these quick reference tools in her internship, you know? She knows that I don’t have these! I’ve used her as a resource before. She probably already knows!

Stef: Yes, she probably knows. And then there’s a turnaround to yourself again.

Judy:  Would that be – I need me to know that what comes easy to her comes more difficult to me, and just be understanding of the fact that of course, because you don’t have the same experience and background, so of course, you’re not going to be as onto it and that is ok. 

Stef: Right, right! Exactly. And know when to ask questions, know yourself clearly, and not need to defend yourself when you do. And I just had a whole other thought about this. She had that experience in her internship. The more she’s allowed to use that, the more her knowledge is going to stay updated in her mind and the better a resource she’s going to be! She’s no longer in that environment. For all of you guys – the more you use that, use her, the more you’re going to keep your resource in good shape!

Judy: Yea, true! (Chuckles.)

She’s judgemental, mean-spirited, and benefits from other’s misfortunes

Stef: Ok. No 5 on the worksheet, the complaints. They just get turned around. Soo, we turn them into the opposite. She’s judgemental – she’s not judgmental. Or you can find an opposite word for it?

Judy: She’s supportive. Hmmm. Do I just go down the list?

Stef: Well, remember the habit building. Find 3 examples of how this turnaround is true in your situation. 

Judy: Well, she does come over. She did come over and say: “I’d probably do this.”  So she did offer some assistance all on her own. That’s support. And when I did ask: “Hey, I’m gonna use this dose, is that what you would use?” She said: “Yea, yea, that’s good!” So she did that as well, that is supportive. And then, when I had her blood rechecked later on I was showing it to her and we were grounding on it. Comparing it and we were basically working through it together. 

Stef: Good! Nice. And turning it to yourself? 

Judy:  So I say: I’m judgmental? 

Stef: Yes.

Judy: Yea, I certainly put my thoughts and emotions onto other people, I make assumptions that maybe aren’t there, and then also use it to boost my own ego. 

Stef: Right. She’s meanspirited, turned around?

Judy: She’s kind. Because she is open to helping. And she does have a really positive attitude that does become a bit infectious. She’s so excited about these cases that you can’t help but feel a little bit better about it, knowing that she’s there. Third one. I guess because she does like to share her information and teach and help others with those cases.

Stef: Right! And turning it to yourself? 

Judy: I am meanspirited? I’d say again because I can put others down to make myself feel better. I’m meanspirited in terms of again putting my thoughts on others. 

Stef: And meanspirited towards yourself. 

Judy:  (Laughs.) Yes, I don’t lift myself up very well. 

Stef: And just notice it in that situation. It’s really to reeducate the way we think – it is really powerful to keep focusing on one situation. We quickly fall into the trap of: I always do that! I’m always meanspirited to me. It really is just in that situation, that moment that I am meanspirited to myself, telling myself that I’m not good enough, that she’s judging me. Plus, I have no other proof that she thinks I’m not good enough other than what I’m thinking. She’s certainly not saying: “Hey Judy, you’re crap.” So in this moment, this is how I’m meanspirited to myself. 

Judy: Yes.

Stef: She benefits from others’ misfortunes. Turn it around?

Judy: She doesn’t benefit from others’ misfortunes. Because even tho it was my case she probably knew I wasn’t thrilled about having it, she still cared about that patient, and she still cared about me to make sure that I had the things that I needed. 

Stef: And turning it to yourself?

Judy: I benefit from others’ misfortunes. I guess again their plight makes me feel better because I go through the same things. Makes me feel better that we are all in the same boat, even tho it is a bad place. (Laughs.)

Stef: Totally! And just to notice – for me this has been such a revelation. There is so much humanness in all of this. We don’t choose to be good or bad. We just are. We go through that. In the end, the only reason why it is good or bad is that we judge it like that. But we put so much stock on it, it is so important! There is an innocence in it really …

Judy: Yea, it’s not purposeful.

Stef: Exactly. And I see a Yay-turnaround there. Can you see it? How is it a good thing that she benefits from others’ misfortunes?

Judy: Hmmm. Because it does keep her confident? And confidence is part of what makes her so good at what she does. 

Stef: And as she’s confident, she’s confident to share. And it builds her confidence. What I was thinking, was that the work you do as veterinarians, and also myself, the work I am doing now – I benefit from others’ misfortunes! All the time! It’s my daily bread!

Judy: Right!! (Laughs) Yeah!

I don’t ever want to feel made to feel stupid by her again. 

Stef: Ok, last one. I don’t ever want to feel made to feel stupid by her again. 

This turns around to these:

I’m willing to be made to feel stupid by her again. Laughs. You do not look excited about that!

Judy: (Laughs.) I am not excited about that! Yea. I know it doesn’t feel good. I guess every time I’m made to feel stupid I’m learning something new. If I already knew it I wouldn’t feel stupid, so it would be a learning opportunity. 

Stef: Yes! Let’s look at the energy of these statements: I don’t ever want to feel like that again. This is really not letting any of it in. Whereas when I’m willing to feel like that again – it’s like: Ok, fine. What is here that I could learn. It shifts the energy. I’m willing to for me is always: I was feeling stupid before because of what I was thinking. I had no power over that. And there’s a good chance that this is going to happen again. I’m willing to continue to be alive and learn and think. 

Judy: Mm-hmmm. 

Stef: I look forward to it is the other turnaround. I look forward to being made stupid by her again. 

Judy: Because it means that I am bettering myself as a veterinarian. Because we should be trying to improve ourselves and learn new things as we go along. If we stagnate that doesn’t make us good vets. If we look forward to feeling stupid and learning those new things it’s for the best of everybody involved! 

Stef: Great! So put yourself into the future to the next time that happens, with this new mindset – how do you feel when she’s telling you stuff?

Judy: It feels better. It feels like a more positive encounter. There is more ability to again use her as a resource and come right out and say: ”Hey if you can give me this and this, then we can get her feeling better faster.”

Stef: Right! So that could be a Living Turnaround. A living turnaround is living what you learn here. With this inquiry, you are working at changing your thinking. Our thinking is part of our experience. Part of our experience is that we act stuff out. We can learn stuff intellectually, and once we start to act it out it really starts to sink in. So a living turnaround is finishing a worksheet like that and then going: Ok, how will I put this into action, what I learned here. 

Judy: Hmmm.

Stef: So maybe this is going to happen again. I’ll keep a look-out. So there’ll be an alarm bell when the situation comes up again. You’ll go: “Oh, here is it! I know what I was going to do.” So, what is it? This is how I’m going to act with confidence and use what I learned in this worksheet about myself. 

Judy: I think it’s good to remind myself that I’m going to feel that sensation right here, and if I just do a couple of those deep breaths and give myself a little bit of a pep talk, hopefully, I can come at it with a better mind frame. 

Stef: Good! So how does that feel overall?

Judy: Good! It feels good, there’s a lot more positivity, there are things to put into action, and that’s good too!

Stef: Well, that was fantastic Judy, you sailed through that worksheet, well done!

If you want to know more about using the Work in your life, let’s chat!