The ability to listen to others’ experiences and points of view is an essential leadership skill. Knowing this, we do our best – how is it that sometimes we just don’t get it?

Open and closed communication channels

Communication is complex. We use sounds like words, tones, and inflections, and then combine it with facial expressions and body language. When someone is standing in front of us talking, we are subject to a whole barrage of sensory input that all helps us make sense of what the other person is saying. Our brain helps classify the information, and our mind designs the appropriate response. This complicated process takes only nanoseconds – for most of us, it happens too fast to influence it consciously. If the channels for communication are open, we feel positive emotions. We might feel safe, calm, happy, or excited and intrigued. We feel connected to the other person.

Interpretation of a situation

If we detect a threat to ourselves in what is said, we close down. This threat might be minute, an inflection, a single word, or a pose that our brain connects with a past incident that made us feel unsafe. We tend to believe that what we think is accurate, but research has shown that our forebrain tends to interpret information in accordance with our memory[*].

This tendency translates into the brain constructing an interpretation of what is happening and then responding according to that interpretation, rather than requiring more data ‘to make up its mind’; if it detects data that correspond with past threats, the resultant response will be to withdraw and close down. Our partner in communication will ‘see’ these signals and react accordingly, returning a succession of responding signals which we then interpret as proof for our story being correct. We begin to feel unsafe, fearful, frustrated, irritated, or angry. We no longer connect.

This disconnection happens in varying intensity. We might close down entirely and freeze or walk away, not able to hear a single word. We might only lose some words or a whole sentence, or we might be unable to grasp a concept that the other person is trying to communicate. Have you ever experienced someone, maybe your partner, parent, or sibling, trying to tell you something, and you can’t get it right? You keep repeating it back to them, getting more frustrated, and they keep saying: “No! That’s not what I mean!” However hard you try, you honestly can’t hear them. 

Improving communication through self-knowledge

Overcoming these ‘blind spots’ in our communications requires the ability to reflect and develop self-knowledge. As long as we’re unaware of the nature of the threat we’re reacting to, we can’t ‘see’ around it. To reflect on the conversation afterward, we mentally take note of what we were thinking about the other person and notice the emotions that went along with these thoughts. Ask yourself: “What did I think about this person at that moment? How did I feel when I thought that about them?”.

Emotion and thoughts can build a bridge into memory. “When did I have this thought and these emotions for the first time?” is a potent question to get to the root of defensiveness. Remembering original events can help us let go of what happened. We can see clearly that the situation as an adult didn’t actually replay the past. When we get to know ourselves on this level, we become aware of our triggers. They stop dominating our conversations. 

I can’t hear what I can’t hear. 

We have the best intention, but once our brain has classified something as threatening, we will react accordingly. Through self-knowledge and awareness of our emotions, we can reduce the blind spots in our perception and become more open in communication. As we get to know these unintentional failures in ourselves, it becomes easy to extend compassion to the person who seemingly isn’t listening to us, and we can shape our communication techniques accordingly. This practice of self-awareness and cultivating emotional intelligence comes with its own reward – feeling connected to people creates feelings of well-being. Listening and responding well to others reflects back to us through their appreciation and respect. 

Cultivating our ability to listen at work as an essential leadership skill supports others and ourselves in feeling safe, valued, and appreciated.

If you are inspired to improve your listening ability at work, sign up for the Courageous Communication 101 Course – find out more here! We’ll look at some of our insecure judgments of others and work through them. Don’t worry about exposing yourself – we all have them!

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